>Users:   login   |  register       > email     > people    


The 21 Years of My Life I Wish I Could Change — Part 2
By Mike
Published: 12/09/2019

Helpinghand For those of you who are reading this and who read the first part of my journey, I want to say it will get better, but it is not easy.

I have found that my journey through this process has its ups and downs. After a short lived stint of happiness and enjoying life again, I found myself slipping back into depression. Sure, there are times in everyone’s life that we all get depressed, but my depression has been on a whole different level. The sad, alone and horrible feelings that I had before came back, and they have been extremely hard to get rid of. The daunting task of waking up to my alarm, putting my uniform on and heading to work has been exhausting. I could feel it sucking the life out of me as I’d get closer to another day surrounded by inmates, negativity and ugliness. I found myself leaving for work an hour earlier than normal, only to park my car in a secluded pullout and cry. I’d sit and drink my coffee in the silence, dreading the day that’s to come and cry. When I arrived to work I acted like everything was okay and went through the motions, plugging away and being fake to my Officers, because I didn’t want them to think their Sergeant was weak and falling apart. I have a job to do, and it is what I signed up for.

When it’d be time to get off of work, I’d leave exhausted, barely able to drive home without falling asleep. And when I’d get home, I’d just want to go somewhere quiet and be left alone. I hated this part because my family needs me. My kids need their dad, and my wife needs her husband, but I didn’t know where he was. I’d lost him and I missed him terribly. I missed that guy that looked forward to coming home and being with his loved ones. I missed the once funny and happy person who had once again disappeared from my life. I’m sure my family missed him also. I missed the guy who looked forward to things and found joy in simple things like the sunrise, the sunset, the smell of fresh cut grass, the sound of birds chirping, the sound of my kids laughing, seeing their beautiful smiling faces and looking into my wife’s beautiful eyes. Those things were still there, but it was a struggle to enjoy them.

I addressed these feelings and issues with my therapist, and we both agreed it was time to visit the medication part again. I agreed that there was something missing, and I know that there is a very logical medical explanation as to why a person needs to take medication for depression, but I just needed to be ready for it. I wasn’t ready to take it before, and I was managing without it.

It has been explained to me that I need to rewire my brain and my way of thinking. It sounds easy, but it’s not. You see I’ve been in this funk for so many years, that it’s all I know. Like I explained in my first article, I’m comfortable with it and of course miserable, but comfortable. It sounds strange, but all these years of negativity, trauma and the heightened awareness have hurt my brain, and now it’s not functioning in a healthy way.

Through this journey I’ve been searching for answers and constantly looking for that ah ha! moment that clarifies why I feel this way, only to realize it’s my brain not communicating to itself properly. I am lacking the “nourishment” it needs to function at a healthy level. This is where the medication comes in. So I started taking a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI), Citalopram, which changes the levels of serotonin in my brain, and a NorepinephrineDopamine Reuptake Inhibitor (NDRI), Bupropion, which increases the levels of the mood-boosting chemicals Norepinephrine and Dopamine in the brain. With these medications I can honestly say that I am slowly climbing back out of that horrible pit. I have more energy, I laugh again, and, most important, I feel like I have a purpose on this earth. I’m finding once again enjoyment in things, enjoyment that I had lost.

I was really against the medication aspect, but maybe it helps my brain and my thinking to get back on track. I hope that one day, with trying to rewire the way I’ve been thinking for years and taking the medication, that I will be able to function without the medication. Only time will tell. And if not, so be it, I will continue to take the medication if that’s what I have to do, because that guy that had taken over my life recently needed help.

I truly feel better now than I did a year ago, before therapy, acupuncture, supplements and the PTSD retreat, and all that was positive, but there was something missing—the medication. I will continue to do these things with the medication, and I will to climb out of this dark pit that I’d fallen into.

I wanted to write this article (Part 2) to share with others that read my first post that it’s not all magical. I’m not magically healed. Healing is a work in progress. Like I said in the first post, sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back, although at times it may be three steps back. I have to keep pushing forward, cry when I feel like crying, and keep seeking the help that I waited so long to reach out for. Maybe if I sought the help I needed earlier in my career, it wouldn’t have been so hard to correct the problem.

Once again, if you are struggling you are not weak, weird or broken. You are human and you are not alone. Reach out and get help when you feel it is time. There are many great people out there that are willing to help you. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed about it. Reach out and GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

For a lot of us stuck in this funk just talking to someone and being open helps. You have to be ready for this , and you have to get past the stubborn “I’m fine” thoughts. Therapy has helped me a great deal, and it was the best decision that I have ever made. I have an amazing therapist that has a wonderful outlook on life, is very humorous and bright. She is someone that I look forward to talking to. A lot of it is just conversation. Just talking about the past or everyday dilemmas actually has an amazing effect, especially when you’ve been shut down for so long. It feels good to get it out.

Through this journey I have discovered that my depression and treatment are no big secrets any more. I find myself sharing openly about the fact that I have been in a really bad spot for a long time and once again I’m climbing out of it. I’m not ashamed of it and maybe my testimony will help someone, maybe just one, but one person is better than none.

Sincerely,
Mike

This article as been reprinted with permission from the November 2019 Issue of Correctional Oasis, a monthly e-publication of "Desert Waters Correctional Outreach".


Comments:

  1. Maryam Khatri on 02/19/2020:

    Nice post! This is a very nice blog that I will definitively come back to more times this year! Thanks for informative post. RoyalCBD

  2. tonnyken on 01/16/2020:

    Thank you very much for these great cake recipes, I have learned a lot from your web blog happy wheels

  3. phamyen123 on 01/15/2020:

    The article you have shared here very awesome. I really like and appreciated your work papas wingeria cool math games

  4. OnlineCasino on 01/11/2020:

    토토사이트추천 토토사이트

  5. shouabalikhatri on 12/19/2019:

    I think this is an informative post and it is very useful and knowledgeable. therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. http://pcfileworldz.com/

  6. shouabalikhatri on 12/19/2019:

    An interesting discussion is worth comment. I’m sure that you ought to write much more about this topic, it might not be considered a taboo subject but generally individuals are inadequate to chat on such topics. To another. Cheers Bitcoin t shirt

  7. Jack Reigns on 12/18/2019:

    Netgear Extender Setup can be done in two ways: Manual and WPS. Use ethernet cable if you want to manually connect the extender. Mywifiext net is the local web page address used for New Extender Setup. If Mywifiext.net is not working, then follow these easy and quick steps. Mywifiext is a website from where you can setup your wifi extender with windows and also setup your extender with Mac OS X or iOS.

  8. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    I can recommend primarily decent and even responsible tips, as a result view it: Webdesign

  9. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    Such sites are important because they provide a large dose of useful information ... Pizza Hasselt

  10. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    On this page you can read my interests, write something special. Webdesign

  11. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    Initial You got a awesome blog .I determination be involved in plus uniform minutes. i view you got truly very functional matters , i determination be always checking your blog blesss. Tat Hasselt

  12. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    Profit primarily prime quality items -- you can understand them all within: Pistaches

  13. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    For true fans of this thread I will address is a free online! Noisettes

  14. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    I encourage you to read this text it is fun described ... Noix

  15. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    I should assert barely that its astounding! The blog is informational also always fabricate amazing entitys. Noix de cajou

  16. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    I prefer merely excellent resources - you will see these people in: Kebab Hasselt

  17. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    I personally use them exclusively high-quality elements : you will notice these folks during: Chiazaad

  18. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    Why do only so much written on this subject? Here you see more. Havervlokken

  19. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    Hi there, I discovered your blog per Google bit searching for such kinda educational advise moreover your inform beholds very remarkable for me. Pecannoten

  20. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    In this case you will begin it is important, it again produces a web site a strong significant internet site: Pistachenoten

  21. shouabalikhatri on 12/14/2019:

    It is fine, nonetheless evaluate the information and facts around this correct. Paranoten

  22. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    During this website, you will see this shape, i highly recommend you learn this review. Tat kebab

  23. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    Such sites are important because they provide a large dose of useful information ... Hazelnoten

  24. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I invite you to the page where see how much we have in common. Tuinarchitect

  25. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I understand this column. I realize You put a many of struggle to found this story. I admire your process. Walnoten

  26. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    Initial You got a awesome blog .I determination be involved in plus uniform minutes. i view you got truly very functional matters , i determination be always checking your blog blesss. Tuinontwerp

  27. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I should assert barely that its astounding! The blog is informational also always fabricate amazing entitys. Cashewnoten

  28. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I encourage you to read this text it is fun described ... Tuinaanleg

  29. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I should assert barely that its astounding! The blog is informational also always fabricate amazing entitys. Amandelen

  30. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    I prefer merely excellent resources - you will see these people in: Notenshop

  31. shouabalikhatri on 12/12/2019:

    Acknowledges for paper such a beneficial composition, I stumbled beside your blog besides decipher a limited announce. I want your technique of inscription... Noten

  32. ghdsports on 12/10/2019:

    It’s an awesome piece of writing in favor of all the web people. ghd sports apk ghd sports

  33. xavier kingston on 12/10/2019:

    Level 7 qualification build up the standard of professional skills in your workplace.


Login to let us know what you think

User Name:   

Password:       


Forgot password?





correctsource logo




Use of this web site constitutes acceptance of The Corrections Connection User Agreement
The Corrections Connection ©. Copyright 1996 - 2024 © . All Rights Reserved | 15 Mill Wharf Plaza Scituate Mass. 02066 (617) 471 4445 Fax: (617) 608 9015